Breaking the Ice Queen: How to Get Warm Responses from Cold Women

September 29, 2015

Conversation skills with cold women – Know what to say and achieve conversation confidence

T in Paris

T Picking up French Ice-Queens in Paris on his 2010 World Tour

Having trouble talking to women? T will show you the practical ways to melt even the coldest ice queens with conversation starters that will help you gain confidence when wondering what to say to women. We already know most of us don’t actually get “rejected” when we try this but we may get the occasional lame duck who refuses to cooperate in conversation. We then wonder what we can do to help remedy the situation.

How do I pick up cold hard women?

You have two choices:

1) Give up. Say goodbye and move on because you know that the average woman is much easier to pick up than the one who barely says anything. Even though this isn’t a rejection, we often remember these instances AS rejections because we FEEL rejected even though we didn’t get her saying “get lost” (which never happens with this stuff).

2) Change the way you deal with these women. Don’t play into the facade by talking to them casually and stating the things usually left unsaid. Understand that 95 percent of people are normal, talkative and open with the right people, even if there’s only one in their life. These people have such a casual rapport which DOES NOT relate to their “facade” or the “pretentious demeanor” that they’re putting on  just because they’re at work, with a group of friends,  in a bar, etc. This is not such an unnatural thing and if you’re able to understand it yourself, you’ll be able to actively empathize with your target and understand exactly how to crack her open.

“How do I stop being unwanted and unnoticed around women?”

We’re all usually overly polite when we meet new people. We play it safe until we get a better feel for the type of person with whom we’re dealing. If it’s an old lady friend with your mother you’ll generally hold back on the swearing and push/pull. If it’s a happy-go-lucky 21 year old who’s traveling the world, swearing, flirting and touching are not only appropriate but essential.

Congruence Is All About Being a Social Chameleon It’s called being “congruent” but at Seduce In Seconds we call it being a “social chameleon.” This is one major core concept into which you’re getting a glimpse. I’ve been perfecting this specific concept for three years now and only ever taught it to my students in my in-person workshops. I’m considering making it a mini-course. Even though it was obviously born of my 4 core principles of seduction you can consider it as just another shortcut/way to use counter-intuitiveness, push/pull, indifference and playfulness. John asked me a question in regards to the post “Speed and Simplicity With Women- 2,214 word guide”.

One of Your Questions Answered!

Do you think counter-intuitiveness is a key aspect? Could you approach a girl with something mundane like “Hi, my name is John” and still win her over using the three other principles?

Yes you can. All four principles can be used in addition to your personality to get women. At the core of it, each one of these things is important for its own specific reason. Your situation will dictate how important “counter-intuitiveness” will be. For example: “Hi, my name is John” may indeed be counter-intuitive if all the other guys who have tried to pick up a girl before have used a “pickup line” or a “canned opener” like, “Hey, settle this argument for me, darling.” You have to remember that counter-intuitiveness is CONTEXT based. It’s not what YOU think is counter-intuitive, it’s what the target will see as counter-intuitive. Of course, you can’t always know what the target will see as counter-intuitive unless you stalk and watch guys approaching her. It usually doesn’t take too much brain power to figure out what it means to be counter-intuitive though because don’t forget, we’re all human and most guys think and want to act just like you would. They would do the “logical” thing, which actually isn’t “Hi, I’m John” in my experience.

What does the average guy really do?

In my experience, most men:
1) Just don’t approach at all
2) Overcompensate for their nervousness and instead come on too hard or simply say something that is received as quite odd or awkward
3) Make a comment in passing to the woman that goes nowhere, for example, “Ooh, that drink looks nice” or, “How’s your night going?”
So in reality, “Hi, I’m John” can often be counter-intuitive, but you need to be aware of your context. If everyone is saying “Hi, my name is John” because it’s a corporate networking function then it will often pay to stop, observe and think “whats the opposite of “Hi, I’m John” within reason?” When I go to corporate functions like career fairs or industry exhibitions I approach people by “stating the obvious.” Why? Because official and proper corporate types never state the obvious. Their niceties are couched in professionalism so even if you have a big green lettuce leaf stuck in your teeth they won’t bat an eyelid. I, on the other hand, approached a stuffy woman at Sydney’s Motorshow who was trying to offload $250,000 Chinese cars to old men.

girl with funny glasses and T

Motor show pickups are a breeze. Here was one Lexus dealer who I was able to have a play with (check the ‘Where’s Wally” glasses). It helped her break out of the professional saleswoman mode and into a fun and flirty vibe. It’s a cheap trick and I hate using it but this time I just couldn’t help myself as I’m a sucker for good props I happen to find along the way.

Example: from T’s week Her name was Sarah and she was a Junior Partner at one of the bigger Corporate Litigation firms (in other words, she was VERY official on the face of things) but then she was hired by Lexus to manage their dealerships in the state. Most guys say, “I would never have the balls to do that” but you really don’t need balls if you just remember one thing that will stop you from being scared when implementing this/approaching: Everyone is nice and laid back with someone. She may look official/pretentious or seem dry and uncooperative at first but never forget that each woman you approach has a best friend, a boss and usually at least two other people in their lives to whom they enjoy talking or have to be nice. Even though they may appear “cold,” it is just a facade. EVERYONE knows how to have a proper conversation. Always know that under every cold/official/pretentious facade there’s a real person just hiding behind it.

It’s all about not buying into the facade they’ve created for themselves.

If you act like you understand and see through it by observing and stating the obvious/the unspoken then you will break through that falsity and instantly begin talking to her in the same casual way that most people talk with their closest friends. Now I’m going to prove to you that all you need to know is how to use these 4 principles and nothing else. You will see that John’s question came from a mindset where he’s still thinking about having a step by step process (“one must follow two and without them you can’t use three”). In my eyes that is the wrong way to do things. It’s practically like learning a script as it’s just as conducive to mental blanks and verbal fumbling. Think of it more like this: The more you use these 4 principles with women, the easier it will be to pick up women quickly. Each principles comes with its own benefits which to list them very briefly are:

  • Counter-intuitiveness: Differentiates you from all the other guys the woman has ever met. Now you’re someone “really special” who can easily sweep her off her feet. This is most important when opening as it convinces her to give you a chance and cooperate with your advances.
  • Push/Pull: This creates attraction. In a literal sense it is “teasing” and “complimenting,” respectively. Push someone away too much and you’re an “asshole;” pull someone in too much and you’re “too needy.” It’s a balance.
  • Indifference: Act like you have 100 women already. “I want you and I’ll be clear about that but I don’t need you.” Not only is this very attractive but more importantly it makes sure you remain appearing composed, unflustered and confident at all times, even if you’re not.
  • Playfulness: This is the only principle that won’t determine WHAT you say; it determines HOW you say it. It’s all about delivery and can be used to fine tune what you say. For example, “fuck off” is an insult but when said playfully (elongated and with a smile) it’s a friendly joust similar to “no way” or “get lost, I don’t believe it!”

Here’s how it went down at the Motor Show with the Lexus  girl in the picture:
T: “Hey, you guys look pretty interesting (direct approach) but before I ask you about the new Mazda you need to promise not to give me any more bags or brochures because I’m getting a slipped disc (playfulness/humor) carrying around all this promotional stuff.” (counter-intuitive, indifference)
Her: *Laughs* (get her to laugh, it alleviates all tension and awkwardness) No that’s okay. I’ll promise not to, just a business card… T: *Looking really concerned* How much does that business card weigh? (playfulness)
Her: *Laughs* Not much. I’m sure you can handle it, you’re a strong young man. (notice how “strong young man” is not a common thing for a woman you’ve just met to say. When you hear things like this they’re called a woman’s Indicators of Interest. It means you’re getting through and she’s playing along)
T: Trust me, I’m not a “strong young man” (counter-intuitive). Don’t let the biceps fool you; deep down there’s a frail old woman just craving prune juice (humor/playfulness). (If you see good behavior, reward it. She broke through her cold facade and opened up by complimenting me. This is a positive thing so I’ll reward her by being playful again which now has set the stage for flirting.)
Her: *Now laughing very hard* Hahaha, don’t bag the prune juice, it’s the breakfast of champions. (Notice how she’s still playing along but it’s not longer about her complimenting me or being into me? If  don’t do something soon this will turn into a conversation about prune juice. It’s time to begin flirting and that’s done by first being playful and then bringing in push/pull. )
T: I’m going to be blunt (counter-intuitive), which seems like a rarity at these things (stating the obvious) but you are by far the coolest exhibitor in this exhibition (pull). Everyone’s so official and it just makes it so boring. What did you say your name was (start number closing routine)? (Here I used a more advanced application of the 4 principles called “framing.” It’s counter-intuitive as even though I know for a fact this girl is naturally an ice queen I’m complimenting her and making her feel good about being the opposite of that. I’m rewarding good behavior and also setting up the right expectations as to how I would like her to act toward me. I know what I want and I say it; that’s also attractive.)
Her: I’m Sarah.
T: *I take out my phone and type in “Sarah”* “Sarah…” I already have a “Sarah” in there. I’m going to put you in as Prune Juice Sarah (push, playfulness). (She laughs again. She’s having fun so why wouldn’t she give me her number? And she did, as easy as pie, despite having a boyfriend.)
Her: I have to say I really shouldn’t be giving my number out to strange men I just meet. (Here the obvious response would be “it’s okay, you really have nothing to worry about.” I’m going to make that counter-intuitive.)
T: You really shouldn’t (counter-int.) because I am indeed a serial killer (playful) and you’re too cute (pull) to be on the front of a newspaper (push). In fact, I’m going to delete your number right now (indifference). (I use the 4 principles so often in everything I do that now I rarely have to think, they’re just automatic enough for me to pack four of them into a five second response)
Her: No, no, no. I’m just kidding, it’s okay. I didn’t mean for you to delete my number. If you’re still here around 5 p.m. I’m free to grab a drink if you want?

“I now see HOW it works but I’m still a little unclear as to WHY it worked.”

Okay. So in answer to John’s question above, the more you use the 4 principles the more women will flock to you. I applied them here and there until my last comment which had all four and look at her response. Some may call it basic reverse psychology but either way I now had Sarah not only begging me to keep her number but also wanting to see me that evening.

You see, it’s all about using the 4 principles to reward good behavior and reprimand bad behavior. When Sarah originally complimented me I rewarded her with happy things like humor and playful teasing. When Sarah started to test me (even though it was only slightly) by calling me a “strange guy” I reprimanded her with a push and indifference. Basically I threatened not to call. It communicated that I simply don’t have time to be messed around but I didn’t say “fuck you, I didn’t want to call you anyhow;” I handled it in a calm and composed way.

I kept my “frame” through just remembering to demonstrate indifference. I used counter-intuitiveness at the start to differentiate myself and get her to give me a chance after the opener. I also applied it where I could at other times (mostly in responses to her comments) to really emphasize the fact that I’m fun, different and not like all the other nervous and awkward sobs that poop themselves when they approach the one hot woman at a corporate event. That interaction took one minute. People say that isn’t enough to build attraction but I say they’re deeply wrong. I couldn’t meet Sarah at five (mostly because I met her at 11am and wasn’t prepared to wait around). I told her this on the phone at 5 p.m. when I called her:
T: Hey sorry Sarah, as cool and as cute as I thought you were I could not wait around the exhibition center until 5 p.m.
Her: Oh… that’s okay, where are you now?
T: I went home to finish a painting I was restoring (Counter-int.: most men don’t paint. I was an artist in a past life so I actually do paint and use it to demonstrate my higher value than other men where I can).
Her: Wow, you paint? That’s incredible. What kind of art? (Even though this is a compliment and I want to reward good behavior now, I already have attraction and want to move into rapport and her seeing me for me, without the techniques. Just know that counter-intuitiveness always takes priority when it comes to rapport. It’s all about being down to earth and real. Most guys here would take the compliment and implicitly agree that ‘Yes, I am incredible’ and you’ll just look like all the other confident, arrogant guys she’s met. Now through being counter-intuitive I’m about to show her that I’m not like that. In fact, I’m legitimately confident because I don’t have to lie about my abilities. I am not an amazing painter. If I made out otherwise she would come over and see for herself that I’m just a guy who thinks his art is “amazing.” It’s better to remain indifferent; you don’t need to sell yourself to her. If  you actually mention your good points and then play down how good they are you will get women and people in general building them back up for you and in effect, selling themselves on how good you are.
T: Trust me, I’m a terrible artist (push, counter-int.). All I can paint is abstract stuff because if I even tried a portrait it would look like fourth grader with a crayon (indifference).
Her: Oh, I’m sure that’s not the case. I bet they look great.
T: *taking charge* Ah, well I’d invite you over to see them (pull). I only live ten minutes from the exhibition center and I’m home now but I can understand if that sounds really inappropriate (push, counter-int.). (What I’m doing here is sending a mixed message, something I talk more about in detail in my online course. I also have learned from my past failures that inviting a girl you’ve picked up in only one minute back to your house is often seen as coming on way too heavy and doesn’t look indifferent at all. Now you are BLATANTLY chasing them, when in reality you want to aim for a balance where she chases you and you then choose when to let her seduce YOU. This may sound crazy but in reality, when most men pick up most women the woman is the one who’s saying “slow down” while the guy continually tries to move forward sexually. What we do at Seduce In Seconds is change that dynamic so you become one of the rare guys that baits the women into chasing him. It’s called being a “motherfucking player” and you can learn it all HERE. If you enjoyed this article comment on it!



51 Comments. Leave new

How do I know how, when, where and what? All situations are different, different women…I will use the examples as key. I will do more research

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