The Push / Pull Technique and How To Use it to Attract Women

February 7, 2017

What Is The  Push / Pull Technique?

The Push / Pull technique has stood the test of time in being one of the most widely used pieces of practical psychology for people wanting to actively generate attraction in others. From psychologists to dating coaches, to pickup artists, to salesman to hackers, it’s a powerful piece of social engineering that is so prevalent across so many different approaches to attraction, that it is hard to ignore.

Of course, we know attraction is created by a series of psychological triggers (and more importantly, by avoiding triggering negative associations) however push / pull is often seen in nearly every successful attraction method because it imbues you with a sense of exclusivity and power whilst still keeping the other party interested by hinting at your interest in them.

In short, it makes people chase you by making you seem hard to get but not totally unachievable and is often used to generate attraction in people mentally (if they visually may not have shown an interest in you initially). Ultimately, it’s a fail safe in case you don’t have model-like good looks and has been documented as being used for over 3,000 years by greats like Cleopatra, Casanova and generally forms the underlying plot of most romantic texts or films.

Two Of My Favourite Push/Pull Examples:

  • We would never get along, we are too similar
  • You’re either the coolest person that I’ve ever meet or you’re the craziest one

Push / Pull Video Explanation For Dating:

What’s The Difference Between A ‘Push’ And A ‘Pull’?

Push / Pull is predicated on the simple theory that there isn’t just one thing you can do to create attraction. Push someone away too much and you’re an ‘asshole’ or a ‘bitch’. Pull someone in too much and you’re ‘needy’ or ‘suffocating’.

Conversely, a ‘Push’ isn’t as negative as it sounds is often mistaken with ‘pushing someone away’, this is not the case. It’s more about showing indifference and playing hard to get, rather than offending people or seeming arrogant.

Similarly, ‘Pulling’ is about showing your approval and often is demonstrated through compliments and rewarding the person for their personal attributes or what they’ve said.


Two women and a man on a couch showing attraction and push pull

An example of Push / Pull: The woman in the left is showing interest in the man by touching him and angling her body language towards him (Pull). The man is demonstrating a ‘Push’ by not reciprocating by touching the woman on the left back but, this is a mild push as he’s still looking at her and letting her touch him. Alternatively, he’s demonstrating a strong ‘push’ to the woman on the right by barely acknowledging her at all.

How Push / Pull Works To Make People Pursue You

Push / Pull sends mixed messages to people. Does he like me? Does he not? It’s a bit like the teachers you had at school that everyone loved, respected and feared at the same time. Their approval wasn’t earned easily, you’re not the first student they saw nor did they have the time to dish out praise on everyone.

Even if they did, you knew it was given away too easily, therefore, worthless or seen as less authentic or valued. When they do reward you, though, you feel like you’re basking in the sunlight of their praise, it was earned and didn’t come easily, therefore it is more valued and has a deeper emotional resonance.

A bunch of women chasing a man who has used push pull overly effectively.

The ultimate goal of push/pull is to make people chase you, so you’re always in the driver’s seat.

Alternatively, their disapproval is just as authentic but the most respected teachers didn’t lose their cool, get aggressive or actively make people feel bad. Instead, their power was wielded by removing approval, often by subtle cues such as disengaging with the person and removing focus from them.

Another common was is rather than accusing someone or confronting you with their displeasure directly, they may ask you a question or make a comment that insinuates you’re not impressed, yet.

Eventually, push/pull trains people to chase approval from you because they value it because it’s not easily achieved. As in most areas of life, things that come easily are not valued and that is the cornerstone of understanding push/pull.

Does Push / Pull Happen Naturally?

Not everyone needs to learn Push / Pull. Often people who have a high supply of something e.g. many dates with great people, become more complacent with what would often impress someone who gets one date a year. It is this ‘dating economics’, this interplay between supply and demand that creates indifference that sees people who are seen as attractive not jump up and down everytime their date says or does something they like.

It is this ‘dating economics’, this interplay between supply and demand that creates indifference that sees people who are seen as attractive not jump up and down everytime their date says or does something they like.

They’re harder to impress and have mastered the simple art of ‘not giving a fuck’, as dating commentator Mark Manson puts it.

Man looking relatively happy with himself but not overly enthused

James Bond is often the epitome of showing both warmth and displeasure when it’s due but generally approaches dating with a sense of mild chasing and a deep indifference to outcomes.

But not everyone has a plethora of dates with gorgeous people on the daily, so you need to fabricate the same sense of confidence and indifference through using Push / Pull on the people you’re dating.

A Helpful Metaphor To Help You Implement ‘Push / Pull’

During all your interactions there needs to be an element of mystery and curiosity that keeps your woman chomping at the bit. An often used analogy with a cat and twine to helps to communicate the dynamics of female interest.

If you dangle twine outside of a cat’s reach just enough so that its paw can just touch it but never obtain it you will have it mesmerized for hours. If you give it a taste of what it wants but never let it have the whole thing it will remain in your control. However, once you give the entire piece of twine to the cat it will play with it for a few seconds, enjoy it and then realize the hunt is over and move on.

Cat playing with a dangling leaf that's just out of reach

Push Pull is best aliked to a cat playing with a toy. If it’s too far out of reach, they won’t be interested. If it’s too easily attainabe they also wont be interested. It needs to be just within reach, giving the illusion it’s attainable if they work for it.

If you have not noticed by now, you need to be the twine just in the cat’s reach. The ultimate way to attract someone is to tease but never fully give in. When I say “give in” I am in no way referring to sex, I am talking about letting them know 100% about yourself, always aim to maintain an element of mystery and realize that you never have to be 100% compliant.

Although if you hold the string too far out of the cat’s reach and it will see the challenge as unattainable and lose interest. Give too much twine too early and the cat will not appreciate it and get bored rather quickly.

Using Push / Pull In Relationships To Keep Attraction High

Even months into a relationship I will let something slip to continually make the woman aware that there is more to me than they initially thought. This can be anything from being an artist to taking a keen interest in cooking. Either way, the moment they feel they know you inside and out they will loose interest in you, always keep the chase alive.

You can instil mystery, wonder and highly potent attraction in your woman through two main techniques that have remarkable effectiveness: push/pull and indifference.

This is one of the most commonly recognized dating advice due to its potency and effectiveness. The idea is simple, in your interactions you need to concurrently push them away for every time you pull them into you.


Woman hugging a man from behind

Dating skills are like a toolbox. You have them out all the time when you’re building the house and put them away when it’s complete. But sometimes, they come out again when you’re in need of a few repairs.

‘Pushing’ your partner involves a disapproval of something they have done or something about the way they are. You are going to have to gauge how far you believe you can push the woman without them being totally offended. In a way this is you testing their frame, you are disapproving of something, which shows you are not like all the other guys who want to bed them and who tell them everything is wonderful. Once you push them away from you and create attraction you must always reduce its effects with something accepting or complimentary that does not relate to their looks (fashion sense is fine to mention, though).

An Example Of How To Use Push / Pull

Too much of a push and you alienate them and come off as an asshole, too much pulling and you will seem easy. You need to make them feel like they are on an emotional roller coaster. They will not be able to figure you out, you will create more mystery, playfulness, and consequently attraction. Here is an example conversation:

They Say: I love sushi

You Reply: Really? Raw fish is pretty gross (push) but at least you have great taste in cocktails (pull), that mojito looks delicious.


They Say: I love horror movies, there is something about aliens that really interests me

You Reply: yes I can see that, you nerd! (push) That’s ok, I played dungeons and dragons once myself, we’ll get along great (pull)

‘Disqualifiers’, Another Way To Implement Push / Pull Easily

If the push/pull technique still seems a bit vague to you, then perhaps you’re in need of a shortcut. A ‘disqualifier’ is a little potent package of push/pull that is designed to be easily delivered with high effectiveness. They have very distinct structure and are not to be used more than once per interaction but can be considered ‘push/pull training wheels’ for those who are still grappling with the practicality of implement these techniques.

In short, a disqualifier pushes away someone by using something positive as a reason. It’s totally counter-intuitive, sends mixed messages and is designed to deliver this power pack of psychology in one or two lines.

An Example Of A Disqualifier

For example, let’s say you’re speaking to someone who has you laughing your ass off. Someone really funny and entertaining. You may say:

You Say: See, this is why we could never be together.

They Say: Why, what do you mean?
(This makes them take the bait and become the one chasing after answers as to why they aren’t good enough and/or need to earn your affection.)

You Say: You’re an amazing cook (pull) and I just got myself back in shape. With food this good I’ll end up needing one of those motorized chairs to get around because I literally won’t stop eating. It can’t happen, I’m sorry (push).

Delivering Push/Pull Right

The aim is to be subtle without being blatantly rude. If you are finding that you are coming across as rude you need to work on your delivery, it needs to be playful and shall be discussed later. How do you know if you are being rude?

You say something and they give you a greasy look, they look at each other with a perplexed expression or they get defensive and tell you to take a long walk off a short pier.

Woman with arm around man, he's a bit unreactive though.

It’s not about being cold, it’s about being composed and indifferent.

Frequently apply this technique to keep them interested in you as they will never be able to fully figure you out. People find comfort in being able to stereotype their relationships, it helps them know how to act, what to say and what to do. The beauty here is that the push and the pull are pure opposites; 50% of them say “He likes you” the other 50% says “He’s not interested”.

Another way to achieve the same effect is the hot/cold tactic, which is to be used later on in your relationship and is designed to make their interest in you peak. Do not use this theory if you are not prepared for the target to fall in love with you. A big claim to make I know but I am talking purely from results.

Examples of Push / Pulls For Dating

Physical Push/Pull:

Push/Pull isn’t just about what you say. It’s also about body language. You can mix verbal and physical pushes and pulls.


  • Hug her and then say “Ok, that’s enough” physically pushing her a little bit
  • Grab her and pull her into you… stare into her eyes… then scoff as if she said something lame and let her go, shaking your head and looking away. She’ll ask, “What?” or laugh, and you’ll just throw a skeptical look on your face and shake your head some more. “Anyway…” you’ll say, continuing on with your conversation.
  • Say “I hate you!” while smiling and giving her a sideways hug

Emotional Push / Pull:


  • You have the best smile I’ve seen tonight……..(Begin counting in fingers) No wait, actually the third best
  • Get away from me, I can’t have you around. You’re way too cute and tempting
  • You know, I bet we’d make a really good couple. Nah, scratch that, I bet we’d fight all the time
  • We would never get along, we are too similar
  • You’re either the coolest girl that I’ve ever meet or you’re the craziest one
  • You are the coolest girl I’ve met…in the last 5 minutes
  • If I was into brunettes, I would be all over you.
  • I would invite you over sometime, but something is creepy about you
  • Hey, you have beautiful eyes… They are almost as pretty as mine

It’s More About What You Don’t Do

You don’t always actively need to be doing push/pull to get a result. It is more about recognizing when pushes and pull occur and keeping an even balance between the two.

Scales of love

Push Pull is about keeping an even balance between approval and disapproval.

It’s About Understanding The Concept, Not Memorizing Lines

Remember, it’s about understanding the theory and recognizing the balance of push/pulls in an interaction. Memorizing lines is counterproductive, it teaches you to rely on the time you spend studying pickup rather than on your own internal and spontaneous resources.

It keeps you inside your head filtering the interaction for an opening to use your perfectly crafted line rather than respond in an intuitive way to the unique person in front of you.

Get more dating advice and learn techniques from my Online Dating Course for Men.

Your Dating Hacker,

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Jonathan Sankey


1 Comment. Leave new

Any more push/ pull tactics to put to use. I am interested in learning. I am understanding that I have to become their priority#1.
More examples please!
I must have more

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