What to Do If You’ve Been Stood Up

February 10, 2017
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2 Minute Summary of This Article:


WHY PEOPLE STAND YOU UP AND ‘WHO’ THEY ARE:

1) DISORGANISED PEOPLE: They’re disorganised or forgot and are too piss weak to own up to it

2) DEPRESSED OR INSECURE PEOPLE: They don’t have enough self confidence / can’t get ready in time / suffer from depression (e.g. Aly from the Hack Live TV show on Tinder, her number is 0478774933)

3) PLAYERS OR PEOPLE WHO SIMPLY HAVE NO RESPECT: They double / triple book people in advance (particularly via tinder) and see which one they like more as the time draws closer and often forget to cancel you.

4) PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ATTRACTED OR COMFORTABLE ENOUGH WITH YOU: You didn’t build enough attraction and people simply don’t care enough to rock up (second biggest reason)

WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE STOOD UP:

1) CONTACT THEM BY PHONE AND MAKE SURE YOU DIDN’T MAKE AN ERROR: If someones late it is ok to call them at the 15 minute and 30 minute mark. After that you have full right to leave without being rude. I’d then text them incase they’re driving asking a question. Sometimes people go off half-cocked when in fact it was you who mistook the date / time.  “Was it just my imagination or did we have an agreement today to meet at X at Y time? I’m here but I’m about to leave. Are you coming?”

2) KEEP YOUR COOL: Most people totally lose their shit after being stood up. Making someone feel bad about it or trying to guilt or shame them will only make them flake again. If you are willing to give them another shot, it’s import to act as indifferently as possible. Imagine you had another 2 dates that night and simply just went to them instead. Indifference is key and it quite counter intuitive. Showing a lack of care actually makes them more attracted to you anyhow (human psychology is pretty twisted right?)

3) PUNISH THEM SLIGHTLY: There can’t be no consequence for being stood up (and by being stood up I don’t mean cancelling a date, I mean you literally went out and were left there alone waiting). Tell them next date they ‘have to make it up’ to you somehow. 

HOW TO AVOID BEING STOOD UP:

1) PRE-DATE CONFIRMATION CALL: Checking the day before by phone call, then text if you don’t reach them fixes flaking by 90%+. However, this is also because a good 20% will take the option to cancel. But the majority of people who cancel rebook a second date they show up to. You see, the people who stand you up often do it uninentionally and lose face to such an extent they can’t face the music and go on a second date. Reminding them of the date, giving them a chance to reschedule often sees you not being stood up at all and ensure you do continue to move forward with the person. 

It usually fixes a lot of issues that come with the people mentioned above who are ‘ghosters’. 

2) TEXT ON THE DAY: If you really doubt they’ll still rock up on the day, text to say you may be 10 minutes late before you start getting ready for that date or start making your way there.

THE FULL ARTICLE: AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS INTO BEING STOOD UP

The 2 Most Likely Reasons You Were Stood Up

  1. You didn’t build enough attraction to begin with and there wasn’t enough compelling emotion to drive them to turn up. Put simply, they didn’t care enough. Anyone can keep to an arrangement if they really want to. It’s rare you see people forgetting to turn up to the funeral of their father or for some pressing blood test results a specialist you’ve booked in with 3 months prior needs to tell you about.Attraction isn’t about how much time you have spent with someone, it is about the emotional state they’re left with after you’ve spoke with them and how potent that state is to drive them into action. Learning the ins and outs of the ‘Push/Pull’ technique is an essential element to generating attraction and is to be neglected at your own peril!
  2. They’re flaky by nature and generally ‘bad at life’. Sounds rough…because it is. These are the people who consistently are late, forget arrangements and live a highly disorganised life. It comes down to lacking discipline and using tools such as your phones calendar function to program dates in. More importantly, they neglect to program reminders in that give them enough time to turn up to the date.Often people who don’t have enough time to get ready (namely women), don’t wish to turn up looking sub-par yet often don’t have the integrity to actually own up to this…so they quietly ‘flake’ on a date and just never show up.Other types of flakey behaviour involve sending excuse messages after the date was meant to occur or sending a last minute cancellation 15 mins before. A real big ‘tell’ is if you call them to see where they are and they don’t have the courage to pick up but then send you a text message with an excuse as to why they aren’t coming.

How To Prevent Being Stood Up

Firstly, confirm you date by text the day before (at least 24hrs earlier). If they don’t reply, call again on the day. If they still don’t get back to you, just assume it is off. If they then show up, that’s on them.

Another tactic relies on the assumption that you are flaking on them even after they have flaked on you. Confused yet? Let me explain.

If you still feel he/ she will flake, send him/her a text-message an hour before you two are designated to meet. Tell them that you may be a few minutes late as something important has come up. This also helps to show them a little bit of indifference and that you don’t care too much. After all, you’re busy and in high demand too, right?

If it is 20 minutes past your agreed time there is a slim chance that they will turn up, especially if they haven’t answered their phone or had the decency to text you.

What To Do After You’ve Been Stood Up

If they doesn’t show up give him or her a call, communicate that you didn’t see them outside the coffee shop at 8pm (or wherever your meeting spot was). They will most likely reply with:

“Oh, didn’t you get my message, I left it on your phone.”

“I’m so sorry I totally forgot.”

I’ve been really sick.”

“I thought we were meant to meet next week?”

You were meant to call to confirm

“I didn’t get out of work until 10pm ok, I’m sorry.”

“I lost my phone and didn’t have your number.”

These are 99% of the time bullshit. If someone genuinely cares about meeting or has any remote sense of etiquette they would at least message or call you from a friend’s phone. The more insecure you are the more you will try to side with their excuse and justify it to yourself. A voice in your head will say “That has happened to me once, so I guess I should let him/ her off.”

Here is how you tell if they’re lying. After they give you her excuse just go silent. Do not say a word until they says something. This is a technique I learned in negotiating course to psyche out your opposition once they make you an offer. Go dead silent and just wait till they crack. Most people, particularly if they have done something wrong, will feel the guilt eating away at them and they will keep talking and justifying the excuse.

Also, everyone deserves a second chance. If your gut instinct tells you this person is telling the truth then go with it and give them a second chance but never a third. You’re better than that. People are human, just like you and we all make mistakes. It happens so there’s no use looking unattractive and losing your calm, composed (and attractive) frame of mind about someone you genuinely want to date.

The Key To Getting Another Date With Them

If you decide to speak to them again once they have canceled on you there needs to be a strong sense of composure communicated whilst subtlety reprimanding them for their poor behaviour. Telling him / her you are angry or that they is rude is not congruent with how someone composed, confident and in high demand acts like.

You were planning on taking Katrina to the zoo on Saturday however she calls you on Friday night telling you she cannot make it because she forgot she had other plans. Instead of getting angry about the double booking and telling her you never wanted to visit her parents in that cage anyway, you take the high road and act as if you have many other good plans to go to. Being unreactive and behaving like you have many other options is the key, even if you don’t.

Here’s what your average Joe would do:

Katrina: “Hey sorry I won’t be able to make it tomorrow, I’ve got something I need to do which I double booked. Sorry!”

Male:“That sucks, why what’s up?”

Katrina: “Um…it’s a friend’s going away party, I forgot about, really sorry.”

Male:“That’s okay I guess these things happen, what time does it finish perhaps we can go out after?”

Katrina:“It would probably go all night.”

Male:“Ok…so when are you free next?”

Katrina: “I don’t know, I’m really busy.”

Male: “Wednesday is good for me…”

Katrina: “I’m really busy, I’ll give you a call when things clear up.”

Male: “Okay sure look forward to hearing from you.”

Will she ever call you back? You would have more chances discovering what is really in KFC’s 11 Secret Herbs and Spices before you find out her real reason for canceling. Here is one way you can use her cancellation to your advantage:

Katrina: “Hey sorry I won’t be able to make it tomorrow, I’ve got something I need to do which I double booked. Sorry!”

Male: “Ah great you’re a life saver.”

Katrina:“Um…what?”

Male: “I realized I double booked myself to see a movie with Amber tomorrow after the zoo. Now I don’t have to rush cause I probably would have missed the previews and I’m one of those few people who love previews.”

Katrina: “Well of course, you have to know what’s on next. Who’s Amber?”

Male: “Well…I guess you could call her a friend.”

Katrina: “Oh, cool. Well do you want to reschedule for Sunday?”

And now you have just circumvented her cancellation. Let’s go back and briefly look at the reason why this worked. She cancels and not only are you not upset you’re happy (counter intuitive). Additionally you let her know that if she’s discourteous you will now see another girl. This communicates to her that she’s not yet special enough to get away with these indiscretions and that she can be easily replaced; you are now in high demand. Social proof begins to play a part as Katrina’s competition is threatening to take her catch.

In Summary

  • Never over-react or show you’re affected by the cancellation. Neediness is not attractive. You don’t have to tell them you have 100 other better arrangements to go to but you can quietly think it and let your attitude and actions follow suit.
  • Build enough attraction before you go on dates. Losing your composure will guarantee that you’ll never get another date. I may teach you how to do 1 Minute Number Closes but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to put in the time and effort to call and build enough of an impetus inside him / her to want to actually show up and give you the respect you deserve.
  • Confirm your arrangments 24hrs prior.
  • Don’t take it personally and it let it taint your future interactions. Most people feel incredibly disrespected, let it go, everyone deserves a second chance however you do have full right to overtly state “you have to make it to me now” and put the ball back in their court. If they’re not keen to do so, or still feel it’s your role to be the ‘chaser’, then consider if this is the type of person who actually cares about people other than themselves and whether you really want someone like that in your life.

But in the end you should always build enough attraction when you first meet her so that she won’t even think of flaking with you. How to do it? It’s based off using 4 simple principles (counter intuition, push / pull, indifference and playfulness) to your advantage. If you want to know more check out our Training Section because remember, attraction is a skill you can learn like any other.

You’re Dating Coach,

Jonathan Sankey

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